Treat Your Relationship Like Your Gym Membership

There are many similarities between romantic relationships and physical activity. Below are just five of the ways we would all be better off if we treated our relationship like we would a gym membership.

1)      DECIDING WHEN TO BEGIN

Maybe you haven’t worked out in a while. Maybe some holiday is coming up that sparks your desire. A New Year’s resolution? Wanting to get in better shape before that summer vacation? Perhaps you consider your age and fear that if you don’t get into shape now, it might never happen. Even worse, maybe someone else made a comment implying it would be good for you to hop on a treadmill.

To continue reading, the full article is available here: http://www.datingadvice.com/for-men/treat-your-relationship-like-your-gym-membership

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Technology Addiction: Is it Happening to Us?

Do you (or someone you know) carry your cell phone charger with you wherever you go? Do you plug it in while in a public place (bar, restaurant, etc.) to ensure you don’t lose battery life before you return home? Do you get upset when the internet is going slower than usual or goes out completely? Do you get annoyed at sporting events, concerts, and other large gatherings because it is impossible to get a signal? Do you text and drive? Do you text and drive despite people asking you not to? Despite near-accidents? Do you continue to bury your face in your phone even when others complain about how much time you spend doing so? Is your first thought when something happens in your life that you need to text someone or post it online to tell others about it?

To be addicted to an activity, habit, or substance means to be dependent on it. To need it. To not feel complete, satisfied, or calm without it. On a physical and psychological level, your body and mind crave the very thing it is being deprived. Even when we have it, the craving is only partially and temporarily satisfied. To the addicted individual, there’s no such thing as “too much,” only “not enough.”

There are some addictions that are more common and more well-known: alcohol, drugs, sex, pornography, gambling. The list goes on.  Receiving much less attention, however, is our society’s ever-growing dependence on technology and the associated negative consequences. But don’t just take my word on it.

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), published by the American Psychiatric Association, is the Bible of mental illness. It is the reference guide that all mental health professionals (including social workers, counselors, psychiatrists and psychologists) use to diagnose psychological and psychiatric disorders, including addictions. This manual creates consistency across professionals when diagnosing a patient’s symptoms or problematic behaviors; it is not one person’s opinion. It is science.

One category that the Manual specifies is referred to as Substance Use Disorders (read: addictions), and they all carry the same set of criteria. The only thing that varies from one to the next is the name of the substance. I have included these criteria below and inserted the word TECHNOLOGY where it would normally read “alcohol,” “tobacco,” etc. To be sure, “technology” is a terribly broad term and encompasses everything from television and video games, to social media outlets and texting, to our phones and the internet in general. For each individual, it will vary. Think about which aspect of technology you or someone you know uses the most, and insert that as you read the following criteria. Keep count of the number of items that apply.

1.  TECHNOLOGY is often taken in larger amounts or over a longer period than was intended. For example: frequently being late to scheduled activities due to distraction from technology use.

2.  There is a persistent desire or unsuccessful efforts to cut down or control TECHNOLOGY use. For example: aiming to minimize use of technology, or perhaps avoid a certain aspect of technology for a certain period of time, only to be unsuccessful in that attempt.

3.  A great deal of time is spent in activities necessary to obtain TECHNOLOGY, use TECHNOLOGY, or recover from its effects. For example: time spent desperately trying to get a cell phone signal , charge your phone, or locate a Wi-Fi hotspot.

4.  Craving, or a strong desire or urge to use TECHNOLOGY. For example: having difficulty waiting until a class, meeting, work, or other event concludes so you can check your phone, social media page, or browse the internet.

5.  Recurrent TECHNOLOGY use resulting in failure to fulfill major role obligations at work, school, or home. For example: consistently not meeting appropriate deadlines for assignments or tasks as the result of distraction by the use of technology.

6.  Continued TECHNOLOGY use despite having persistent or recurrent social or interpersonal problems caused or exacerbated by the effects of TECHNOLOGY: For example: your family, friends, or significant other regularly complains about the frequency and/or timing of your technology use.

7.  Important social, occupational, or recreational activities are given up or reduced because of TECHNOLOGY use. For example: skipping lunch with co-workers or a weekend night out with friends in favor of upgrading your phone or updating or checking in on your social media outlets.

8.  Recurrent TECHNOLOGY use in situations where it is physically hazardous. For example: texting while driving!

9.  TECHNOLOGY use is continued despite knowledge of having a persistent or recurrent physical or psychological problem that is likely to have been caused or exacerbated by TECHNOLOGY use. For example: continuing to dive deeply into your friends’ social media pages despite feeling worse about yourself as you compare your life to what you see of theirs.

10.  Tolerance, as defined by either of the following:

              A) A need for markedly increased amounts of TECHNOLOGY to achieve the desired effect.

              B) A markedly diminished effect with continued use of the same amount of TECHNOLOGY

For example: the need for ever-increasing speeds of internet connection as Google introduces the new fiber internet. Anyone remember dial-up?

11.  Withdrawal as defined by a physiological reaction to the absence of TECHNOLOGY, or the use of TECHNOLOGY to avoid the experiencing of such effects. For example: anxiety-laden reactions to having to turn off your cell phone during an airplane flight and having to wait until you land to be able to text, tweet or post about the smelly guy next to you.

Now for the sobering news (no pun intended): Saying “Yes,” to just TWO of the above items is enough to meet diagnostic criteria for a Mild Use Disorder (addiction). Saying “Yes,” to 4: Moderate. Saying “Yes,” to just 6 of the 11? Severe.

In many ways, technological advances have been, and can continue to be, incredibly beneficial to us. Now, petitions, protests, and calls to action can reach millions of people in minutes. Information can be disseminated with a click or push of a button. Heck, advances in technology are the only reason that I am able to produce this blog and you are able to have immediate and free access to it. So don’t get me wrong. I don’t hate technology. I am concerned, however, with how we’re using it and the effects it is having on us as individuals and on our relationships with others.

The unfortunate truth is that anyone can become addicted to anything. It is not a matter of will power. It does not mean someone is weak. Addictions are diseases. They grab hold and don’t let go until there is an intervention.  The first step to solving any problem is to recognize it. Let’s solve this problem together by first helping everyone recognize its severity. I recognize the irony in asking my readers to e-mail, tweet and post on Facebook about this article. At the same time, consider the most common place to see a “1-800” telephone number to call for a gambling problem: in a casino. We must first reach everyone where they already are before we can lead them anywhere else.  Be a leader.

This is the first installment of the Psychological Effects of Technology series. Future topics will include how we have come to be so dependent on technology, the effects technology is having on us individually, the effects technology is having on our relationships with others, and what we can do about our reliance on technology. Help these conversations happen. Please post your comments and questions to my Facebook Fan Page, follow me and tweet at me  on Twitter @Bevacqua_PhD, or simply print these articles and share them with loved ones.

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Why Consistent Action is Vital for Long-Term Success

While being flashy may get you noticed, being consistent is what establishes and maintains your reputation. Whether your focus is a business relationship, a friendship, a romantic relationship, or your work ethic, consistency reigns supreme over a one-hit wonder.

I used to attend a number of different summer camps when I was younger. I attended one of them, a basketball camp held at a local high school, for many years in a row. The instructor was (and I believe still is) the head Varsity boys basketball coach at the school. He was well-known both for his longevity and his success. When he spoke, people listened.

One day, Coach was giving a speech about work ethic. He mentioned that although the camp began each day at 8am, the gym was open long before that for anyone who wished to come in early and practice. He stated that he arrived at the gym by 6:30 each morning and “no one could ever beat him there.” I took that as a personal challenge and went home to tell my parents.

Unfortunately for my mother, I was only about 12 years old at the time and definitely couldn’t drive. This meant that she also had to wake up at 5:30 the next morning just so I could prove a point. We pulled up around 6:20am without another vehicle in the lot. It was raining, and I waited in the car for someone to arrive to open the door. A few minutes after 6:30, Coach pulled up. I hopped out of the car and met him at the door to the gym as he was unlocking it. “Good morning, Coach.”

He asked me what I was doing there so early, and I told him that he said no one would beat him to the gym in the morning, and I wanted to prove that I could. Coach wasn’t much for smiles or praise, but I’m fairly certain he gave me a little of both in that moment. I walked into the gym, shoes squeaking from the rain, and spent the next nearly 90 minutes practicing all of the skills and drills we had been learning.

As the Varsity players began to arrive (they were the ones responsible for running the hour-to-hour activities), many of them came over to me. They asked my name and other questions about me; it was clear showing up early had made quite the impression. Throughout the rest of that day I seemed to be getting a little more attention than usual. I smiled to myself at this victory. I went home and told my parents the great news. Challenge accepted, and challenge completed.

The next day, I showed up at the regular time. After all, I had proven my point and I had expected the effects to last. They didn’t. In fact, no one ever brought it up again. In hindsight, what had felt like a victory and a strong impression was merely an opportunity for those things. Had I continued to show up early and put in extra work, people would have continued to notice.

Consistency has many benefits. For one, someone who is consistent is viewed as trustworthy. People equate being consistent with being genuine and respectful, both of which feed into being trusted. Call when you say you’re going to call, meet your work deadlines, and bring the same positive attitude to your relationships each day, and people notice. Do any of those things once and never again and you run the risk of many negative labels. If you want to be trusted, be consistent.

Being consistent also allows you to dictate the message that others receive about you. Wax and wane too many times and you leave your actions open to interpretation. By showing up early just one time, I was probably viewed as a punk who just felt like proving someone wrong. I have to admit, basically telling Coach that was my reason for showing up probably did not help that perception. Instead, I could have stated that I wanted the extra time to practice and get better. Had I then consistently showed up early throughout the rest of the camp, I would have dictated a much more positive perception. Being consistent provides you with the control.

Contrast that with Coach, who did show up early. Every day. And stayed later than everyone else. Every day. He preached a solid work ethic, he backed up his own words, and he did so consistently. It is no wonder that he has coached at one school for multiple decades and achieved much success during his tenure.

Always remember, actions speak louder than words. Consistency is not just about maintaining the same message over time, but it is about demonstrating congruence between what you say and what you do. Be genuine in your thoughts, statements, and actions, and consistency comes easy. Do something for the wrong reason (or worse, someone else’s reason), and the thread of consistency quickly unravels.

Just about anybody can do just about anything one time, but soon both the action and the person are forgotten. Do something repeatedly and be the one who determines how others remember you.

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How to Minimize Your Fear of Failure

Sports have taught me so many valuable lessons in my life. From teamwork to hard work, to how to appropriately experience successes and failures, I don’t know where I would be without the values instilled in me through athletic competition.

I am proud to say that, for the last two years, I have served as the head coach of a high school girls softball team and have tried instill as many of those values in my team members as I can. One of the hardest things to do, I’ve learned, is to teach someone how to pick herself up after a failure and try again. Harder still is trying to convince someone to try at all when failure is a possibility.

I was reminded of this difficulty just a few days ago. Tryouts completed and all three levels of teams (varsity, junior varsity, and freshman) finally set, the discussion among my girls shifted to why a handful of last year’s players had not tried out this year. Some of them had chosen to become involved in different things: choir, the school play, a job, and other extracurricular activities. For some, their family had moved within the last year and they were now attending school in another city. Some, another state.

While I was saddened for myself and my team that many of these girls had moved on in one way or another, I was comforted in knowing that many of them were still participating in activities that they chose to pursue. And while I don’t know for sure, I hope that those who relocated are playing softball at their new school. There is one category of non-returners, however, that continues to bother me:

“They said they didn’t think they would make a team so they didn’t bother trying out.”

Wayne Gretzky, one of the all-time hockey greats, put it best: “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.”

A MATTER OF PRIDE

For the next couple of months, two groups of girls will be sitting at home, not playing softball: the ones that tried out and were cut, and the ones that didn’t try out at all. So what is the difference between those two groups who ultimately will be doing the same thing? Their source of pride.

Many people, including myself, would agree that those who tried out have much more to be proud of than those who did not. They were the ones that gave it a shot, regardless of the likelihood of success. They were the ones who decided that the benefits of success, should it occur, outweighed any downside to failure. In fact I hesitate to use the word failure here. I preach to my team all the time that failure does not mean not succeeding. You haven’t failed until you stop trying.

However, as I talked about in my last post, I understand that not everyone is like me. Not everyone agrees that trying and coming up short is better than not trying at all. Indeed, the handful of girls who chose not to try out have their pride intact as well, but for a different reason. By not subjecting themselves to evaluation and a potential lack of success, they prevent any chinks in their pride armor from occurring. They will continue on, feeling good that they did not allow someone else to tell them that they weren’t good enough.

The most unfortunate part of the story? There is at least one girl who chose not to try out that not only would have been selected to be on my team, but likely would have been a starter. Her fear of failure prevented this from happening. Protecting her pride was more important to her.

RECOGNIZING WHEN FEAR OF FAILURE OCCURS

As with most things in life, two things hold true regarding a fear of failure: recognizing it in others is easier than recognizing it in (or admitting it to) ourselves, and it is easier to advise others to “just try, anyway” than it is to convince ourselves of the same thing.

Pay attention, and start to count the number of times you are encouraging others to try something compared to how many times you consciously encourage yourself to do the same. I guarantee the former number will be higher than the latter; in most cases it’s not because, despite what we all want to believe about ourselves, we try more times than others do. We all require encouragement from outside ourselves at times, and that is precisely why we have parents, teachers, coaches, and best friends.

FOSTERING A WORLD WHERE EVERYONE TRIES

As I mentioned at the end of the first section above, both groups of girls (those that did not make a team and those that chose not to try out) potentially could have their pride intact: the former because of their effort and the latter because they avoided the chink in the armor. If pride is the ultimate goal, then, how do we foster a society full of people who are willing to try? The concept is straightforward but the implementation will be an uphill battle. In short, we must begin to celebrate the process, not the outcome.

Perhaps in this case, Miley Cyrus (twerking aside) said it best when she sang, “Ain’t about how fast I get there, ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side. It’s the climb.”

Ultimately, we can achieve this if we do a few things:

1)      Focus on Self-Improvement: Whether it be athletic competition, playing an instrument, taking a test in school or a performance review at work, focus on doing better than you did last time. When the basis of comparison shifts from others to a previous version of yourself, you can feel proud of your improvement regardless of external evaluations.

2)      Focus on the Self-Improvement of Others:  Try as we might, even when we tell ourselves the right things, we are much more likely to believe the feedback of others over our own. This means that others are more likely to believe what you say over what they tell themselves. So when it comes to our children, our friends, our teammates, our students and our work subordinates, focus on self-improvement, rather than a comparison to others. You’ll be surprised at the results.

3)      Focus on Effort: Whether you’re telling yourself or telling others, adopt the “Always try your best!” mantra. Effort is one thing that is always entirely within one’s control, meaning it is something that we can do successfully every time, if we so choose.

If we make effort and self-improvement, rather than any other external standard, the ultimate sources of pride, we can foster a community of individuals who have many opportunities each day to feel great about themselves.

You miss every shot you don’t take. Take your shot and help others take theirs, too.

 

 

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How to Reduce Frustration in Your Life in 3 Easy Steps

Frustration is a terrible feeling, and no one is immune to its negative effects. But where does frustration come from and how can we lessen its impact? Below are three easy steps to minimizing the impact of frustration in your life.

1. UNDERSTAND WHERE FRUSTRATION COMES FROM

The first line of the “frustration” page on Wikipedia defines the concept nicely: “In psychology, frustration is a common emotional response to opposition.” (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Judgement) In general, the source of that opposition is going to come from one of two places: from within yourself, or from others. Today, I am going to focus on the latter.

All too often, we end up judging others by using ourselves as a basis for comparison. When we encounter those who differ from our way of thinking, our way of life, or even our daily preferences, we can become frustrated if we perceive those differences as somehow impeding our progress. Our judgment creates barriers, and those barriers yield frustration.

Whoever said opposites attract…well, I don’t buy it. I absolutely believe that there can be an interest in different things but when we seek comfort, however, we seek commonality. On the contrary, when we encounter opposition we become primal in our response, as if our very survival was at stake. That is why aggressive tendencies often ensue when we feel frustrated. Frustration turns to anger, which can lead to physical aggression if not handled or mitigated properly (think: road rage).

2. RECOGNIZE POTENTIAL SOURCES OF FRUSTRATION IN YOUR LIFE

Whenever someone’s limits differ from our own, a potential for frustration arises. To help illustrate this, take a moment to write down your answers to the following questions:

A) What speed (relative to the speed limit) do you consider to be too slow when driving on a highway, and what speed do you consider to be too fast?
B) What is too hot to be comfortable room temperature and what room temperature would you consider being too cold?

Now answer these: At what speed do you drive on the highway, and what temperature do you prefer in your home?

I would bet my lunch (and I love food!) that your answers to the second set of questions fall in between your limit-setting answers for the first set. Personally, I drive 5-7 miles per hour over the speed limit. Anyone who drives the speed limit or below is just too slow for me, and anyone who drives 10 or more miles per hour over the speed limit I think is driving too recklessly and is just asking to be pulled over! While I find this to be a perfectly reasonable and logical response, I know not everyone agrees with me. How? I’m reminded every day when I must pass a slug or I get passed by a racecar driver. Their reasoning may be exactly the same as mine, but their limits are different.

Any two people are bound to have different preferences on almost any topic. How we respond to those differences is what determines how we feel about them, which brings me to the last step.

3. UNDERSTAND THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN EVALUATION AND JUDGMENT

When we evaluate something, we measure it against some standard. We evaluate students when they take tests in school. Athletes are evaluated with a myriad of statistics regarding their performance. A judgment, however, is the result of taking those evaluations and making some decision about it. To say that one is better than the other.

When a student is deciding on which college to attend, he or she may evaluate a number of different areas: distance from home, cost of tuition, size of the school, etc. A judgment is then required to decide which school is best. Making a judgment often involves stating an opinion as if it were a fact. When we then believe that statement to be true (and why wouldn’t we? We came up with it!), we become frustrated when others differ from ourselves.

Not only do we state opinions as facts when we make judgments, but we create global statements based on specific pieces of information. It is the difference between evaluating that another car is traveling more quickly or slowly than you are and making the judgment that the driver of the other car is an inconsiderate jerk.

It is infinitely easier to prevent problems than to fix them once they exist. We can avoid many frustrating situations if we recognize our differences and avoid placing judgment on them. Recognize that someone feels more comfortable driving more slowly than you. Recognize that someone is willing to spend more or less money than you. Recognize that other individuals have priorities that may differ from yours. And that’s okay, as long as it is not something that impedes directly on the basic rights of others.

Diversity across every facet is what makes life tolerable and yet, ironically, breeds the most intolerance. As much as we sometimes wish other people were more like us, how awfully boring would that be? Who would you learn from? Who would you grow from? I wouldn’t want to find out. Embrace the differences, avoid judgment, and live a life free of frustration.

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